I arrived back home on a two week furlough from the hustle of Fort Sam Houston to much family fanfare. It had been since September that I had been back, and I was definitely not the same kid that left town then. The weather was remarkably colder in Owingsville, which took some getting used to. The first night and next day all I wanted to do was relax. Surprisingly, I didn't wake up at 0430 like I had been doing the last almost four months, but around 0800, very much earlier than I did when I lived at home. The first morning, mom had homemade gravy and biscuits ready for me, one of my favorite things I had missed. Dad was up and asking if I was ready to go out and go hunting anytime soon, that the Army should have me in good enough shape to hike the rugged hills we used to roam. After all the time away, I was ready to go out and hit the woods back home again, but that would be at a later time. After breakfast, I called Jason and told him I was home. We planned on meeting up later in the day, plus I needed to go do some Christmas shopping for everyone. Casey, Dee Dee and Norman all came over and Casey stuck with me like glue. It was very obvious she had missed me while I was gone. Her shaky writing on the letters she sent to me had talked about her missing me, but I didn't fully realize it until I was home. It was great being back, but also very different. I was on no schedule, no drill sergeant was hounding me and I could be my old self again. This felt rather strange to me in some ways. I always saw the TV commercials for the Army, how it made boys into soldiers and all, but I never took it serious until then.
Jason came by and we left out for Morehead to do some shopping. I wanted to get mom and dad something useful and out of the ordinary, but had no idea exactly what to get. It was much like old days for Jason and me, riding in his truck with his loud stereo system blaring out Van Halen and Guns N Roses. He joked about my nearly shaved head, how I looked like I had survived a concentration camp or that I looked like my dad, who was bald. The old banter was meant to ridicule me in a joking way, but was good at the same time. I missed these days. We arrived in Morehead and went to the local Rose's store and mini mall. The shops in the mall were still there for the most part, but a few had vacated since I left. The arcade and Music Machine stores were still there, as well as Chris' Guitar Shop, all of which were usual stops for me. The Music Machine store was still the same, records, tapes and CD's were in abundance, except it looked like Pearl Jam had taken over. When I had left, Metallica and Guns N Roses were the hottest bands to listen to, I couldn't go anywhere without seeing posters and ads of the two bands. Now, Pearl Jam, who I hadn't really listened to, had seemingly taken over. I browsed through the tapes and settled with a Genesis and Jimi Hendrix cassette, some old classic rock rather than the new norm. We went into the guitar shop and I saw Jim, the guy who worked there before, who barely recognized me now. Jason and I took down some acoustic guitars and started playing an old Tesla song, it was as if I had never left and we had just practiced the tune the day before. After a while, we left and went into Rose's with the mission to find Christmas gifts. This was the day before cell phones, so it wasn't as convenient to just call someone at the spur of the moment to ask what they thought so and so should get. For the first time, I had a reasonably sized bank account and a steady income to manage, so I wanted to get everyone something extravagant. I found some toys and a video for Casey, something else for Dee Dee and Norman (my mind has since failed me on what I got them), and finally after much deliberation, I got mom and dad a TV stand. I noticed their TV was sitting on a shelf unit with videos strewn about. This stand had an organizing shelf space for movies and fit well with the decor of the living room. Mission accomplished, then on to enjoy the day.
Jason and I went over to his cousin Matt's place, but he wasn't home. His mom Julie was there and hugged me so hard I felt my lungs would explode. Matt was out somewhere playing basketball and wouldn't be home for a while, so Jason and I left headed back to Owingsville, to stash the gifts at his house. We got to his house and his mom Mary was there waiting. She was almost like a second mom to me, and she too hugged me until I thought I'd explode. In there house sat a small wooden potato bin, just inside the kitchen. Without fail, everytime I came to their house, I bumped my leg on it or tripped over it somehow. This time, however I breezed past it, not even thinking about it being there, prompting Mary to comment that the Army had fixed my clumsiness finally. I hadn't put a thought into it until she said that, but I did notice a change about me. I was more confident, had more poise and manners, and knew there was much, much more outside Owingsville.
The day went on and I finally went back home. Later in the evening, I ventured out alone into town, to cruise the old strip and go to Gateway video. Town was still the same, except not as many people were hanging out, probably due to the cold weather. I went to Gateway, and ran into some old friends there, some I hadn't seen since long before I had left. We chatted a while, each person was fascinated by my stories of basic training and the places I had been so far. I felt kind of like a celebrity, but remained grounded at the same time. Paula and Vickie told me I should come hang out at their place in Mountain View Apartments later, I told them I might, and left to go down to the fire station. No one was at the station when I drove by, the trucks were still parked as they were the last day I left. The members of the department had sent me a card for my birthday while I was at Fort Jackson, proof they still thought about me. I drove around town some more, then went to Paula's apartment. There was a few people there, some I didn't really know well, but I was still welcomed in. I stayed there until nearly midnight, way past my normal bed time those days, then went home to turn in. As I drove home, I looked around me. I remembered what my recruiter said to me as we left that September day, that "the same people who were hanging out would still be there." I saw the same people in the same places, a point well made by SFC Stanfield.
The next day, dad and I left early to go on a hunting trip. I used to hunt quite a bit back in those days, usually squirrels and grouse. Dad, my cousin Troy and I went to my uncle's farm on Naylor to grouse hunt. It was a brisk cold day with a heavy frost on, I was used to the San Antonio heat and dressed very warmly to compensate. We arrived at the farm and headed out into the woods, I was armed with my old 12 gauge shotgun. We split up along an old abandoned farm that had roads leading to and from it. As I got deeper into the forest on the old road, I remembered basic training and our field exercises. I thought about how we were marching to the field sites and the grenade simulators had went off near us. I walked at a steady pace on alert, not sure if it was for the grouse or an incoming simulated attack, probably right past several grouse. As the morning went on, the decision to dress warmly quickly became a bad one. In Kentucky, there may be a change into all four seasons within the same day, winter being no exception. The sun rose over the trees into the cloudless sky and began to heat things up. I was pouring with sweat and far away from the truck. I circled back around and went toward the starting point to remove some clothing layers, and by the time I arrived, I was worn out. I dropped a layer of clothing, and the brisk coolness was immediate, great, home for just a couple of days and I would end up sick.
We finished the hunting trip empty handed after a few hours, but it was great getting back out there and hiking. For his age, dad had some stamina when it came to spending the day in the woods. I got back home and settled in, ate lunch and retired to my room and my guitar. The lack of go go go I had been used to the last months was starting to wane on me. It was just a few days before Christmas, a time when most people welcome a good vacation, but I was not used to being idle for long periods of time now. I played my guitar along with a Metallica cassette for a while, then started going through things in my room. I found old letters from people I knew in high school, people I hadn't seen or heard from in over a year. I read some of them and wondered where they were, if they remembered me, or if they even cared to remember me. I found a note from Tonya in the room too, and thought to myself that I had been home for a couple of days already and still hadn't went to see her. I really didn't know what our status was, the letters from her had dwindled down to almost none, but I felt I still owed it to her to visit or at least make contact. I called her house and reached her mom. Tonya was at her dad's house and wouldn't be back for a day or so, but I was still welcome anytime to come visit the family. I thought, and still think highly of her family and told her mom Brenda that I'd stop in later.
Later that night, Jason called me and said Matt wanted us to come up. We went to his house and met him there, it was early evening, just before dark. Matt had planned on us going to a friend's party, so I called and told mom I planned on staying in Morehead. We left and went over to a house behind the Wal Mart building, in upscale neighborhood. Matt knew the girl who lived there and she had some friends meeting us there, I had never met any one who would be with us. I was dressed in my black leather coat, black boots, jeans and a concert shirt. The clothing plus the nearly shaved head probably made me look like some skin head freak. We went into the girl's house, she introduced herself as Sherri, and hung out a while. She looked at me kind of weirdly and asked who I was. Jason quickly replied and told her I was a hitch-hiker they had picked up off the road, a great first impression. We laughed it off, but she had an uneasy look until Matt told her otherwise. We departed from Sherri's house in two car loads and headed toward Morehead State University's campus. We turned up a windy street and arrived at the party house. There were several cars there, the music was so loud we could hear it outside. I had no idea where I was or who the people there were, but the party was in full swing. Matt introduced me as his buddy from the Army, and everyone gave me a shot glass of liquor to toast. I had only been drunk twice in my life prior to this, once at Chris Petitt's house for a birthday party, and once with Kevin in town when I came home too early and paid for it the next day. Needless to say, after a few toasts, I was feeling no pain. I talked to one guy who said he had a friend in the Army too and asked if I liked to play pool. I said sure and we, along with three others, went downstairs to shoot some pool, taking bottles of liquor with us. I grabbed a fifth of Jim Beam and started in on it. After a few minutes, I heard the music stop upstairs and some commotion going on. One of the guys who was downstairs went up to see what was going on. Great, I thought, here I am in a strange place on leave from the Army, underage with a bottle of Jim Beam and already getting soused, and the cops are probably upstairs raiding the party. The guy quickly came down and told us we needed to leave and quickly. I had no idea where Matt and Jason were, but I went upstairs, still clutching the fifth of Jim Beam, which was about 3/4 full. Once upstairs, a guy was going beserk about all the people in his house, and who the Hell were all of us. He looked at me and said, "What the Hell, you got into my liquor too?" I took one last long drink of the whiskey and handed the now less than half filled bottle to him. The last thing I heard was, "Get the Hell outta my house!! All of you!!!" Matt came back inside and grabbed my arm to leave. As he did, I grabbed another pint bottle of Jack Daniels off a table and left. Apparently, the guy who had invited us to his party turned out to be only the room mate to the guy who actually lived there. When the guy showed up, of course he went bonkers that a wild raving party was underway. We scattered to our vehicles, by this time, I was very numb to my surroundings, in that hazy state before total oblivion set in. I clutched the bottle of Jack Daniels and took drinks from it frequently as we drove around Morehead. It is somewhere during this time that I have virtually no memory of what happened afterward. I do remember parking some place and urinating in a parking lot, then meeting up with the other people we had came with. There are some questions regarding what exactly happened afterward, some things I still aren't sure of. Jason and Matt tell me that at some point Sherri got in the vehicle with me and we became 'better acquainted', ending up with her getting out of the car and leaving after I had said something to offend her. I have no idea what happened, or remembered her even being in the same vehicle I was in. I don't even remember leaving town, and especially don't remember getting sick all over Matt's car. Jason tells me that I felt like I was getting sick and asked to pull over. I was in the back seat and was trying to get out the window before the door was opened. I vomited all over the inside of the door and out the side of the car, ending our party night.
I woke up the next day around 1100 hours, sick to death. I reeked of bourbon whiskey and my head pounded. Matt and Jason were laughing at me, apparently I was the one who got the drunkest of all. I showered and changed clothes, took a couple ibuprofins, and did as little as I possibly could. Jason kept asking exactly how much I had drank, all I could remember was the Jim Beam and Jack Daniels, anything else was a blur. In the previous two drinking experiences, the mornings after were not near as bad as this one. I was worried that when I got home, the smell would still be on me, but that was of little concern compared to Matt's car. It was late December and we were taking the car to a car wash to get it clean. What a wonderful impression I must have made that night with everyone.
I got back home with a raging hangover still and went back to sleep for a while. I woke up around 1600 hours, or 4 pm, and ate a little something. My stomach was still uneasy from the abuse I had unleashed upon it. My escapade wasn't as discreet as I had hoped, mom was giving me three kinds of Hell over it, while Norman was teasing me. Dad wasn't thrilled about it but stayed quiet. He had quit drinking a few years prior and I think was worried I would start drinking heavy like he once did. Finally the headache stopped and I could function. Paula called the house and told me to stop in that some people were coming over and wanted to see me. I rested a for a bit and decided to go to town again. Mom chided me about the evening before, and I was definitely not going to repeat what I had endured I told her. I got to Paula's and there were several people there, people I hadn't seen in a long time. Chris Pettit was there, along with some other acquaintances from high school. Chris offered me a beer, I kindly passed due to my lingering hangover effects. We all just kind of chilled out at the apartment, and at some point late in the evening, I fell asleep, the late nights had caught up to me finally. I woke up at around 0200 hours on Paula's couch, there were still people awake and playing video games. I laughed because I remembered Drill Sergeant Washington telling us, "I bet you wish you were back on the block playing your Sega games," in basic training. He would always tell us he could tell the city folk from the country folk by the callous on people's thumbs from playing those games. I gave my good nights and left for my own bed, hangover free at last.
Christmas Eve 1992 finally came to the Kiskaden household. The house was full with our family, mom, dad, Dee Dee, Norman, Casey, Jackie, Troy, Sean, Travis and Brandon. It felt good to be home with everyone. It was especially gratifying knowing I had been able to buy gifts for once rather than just receive them. Mom opened the new TV stand and couldn't believe that I had went out and got such a big gift item. That stand was used for many years after that Christmas, they still had it when I moved back in 1996.
We opened our gifts and one large gift had my name on it. I opened it up and found that it was a brand new shotgun, only problem was I couldn't take it with me, but I couldn't wait to go out and shoot it. Another gift was a new 35mm camera, of which would accompany me everywhere for the next few years, and document certain events I would have no direct memory of. The night went well, I was happy just to be among people I knew and loved. The Army had been pushed into the back of my brain these past couple of days, civilian life was not so bad after all. Later on, the big question came up...was it all I had expected it to be. Until then, I hadn't thought a lot about it, training had kept me busy beyond belief, but there were times I questioned if I had made the right choice, usually during bad times when the platoon was under stress for whatever reason. I replied as honest as I could when I said it had but hadn't been what I expected. It was all I had seen on the videos, but yet since it was only training I had been through, I had no clue really what to expect. I didn't regret my decision at all, it was something I had to do to make something of myself. I sounded like a commercial spot for the Army as I replied to mom when she asked. Even though there were hard times and moments that it seemed ridiculous, I knew deep down I had made a good choice for me.
After the bustle of Christmas Eve was over, we all turned in for the night. Mom kept an emergency radio scanner in the living room, and while I was home on leave, I put it in my room in case of a fire call. I was still technically a member of the fire department, and so far while I was home, there had been no calls...until this night. At around 0030 hours or 1230 am, the alert sounded for a structure fire. I jumped from my bed and quickly got dressed and out the door. It was bitterly cold that night, and I jumped in the car and started out without the heater heating up first. I shivered all the way to the station, due to the cold, and probably too because of the adrenaline. I arrived at the station along with several other members and went to my old locker to get my gear, only to find I had no gear. I looked around and saw another member's gear that looked a lot like mine, so I grabbed it and put it on. I got aboard the utility truck, which was an old bread truck, with a few others who hadn't seen me since I got back. It was just like old times, the name calling and teasing, the smells of the gear and trucks, just like it was that last time I responded to a call. We arrived at the fire scene and quickly went into action. The single story residence was well involved with fire which was coming out the front windows and doorway. The people living there had just barely got out, but were safe. I suited up in a breathing apparatus, and found it quite odd that I didn't have to watch about pulling my hair like I had before. I went into the burning house and helped knock the fire down with a water hose. The fire had started in the living room near a wood stove, destroying everything in the house. The joy of being home for Christmas and enjoying the gifts I had just opened a few hours ago faded when I looked at this family who only had the clothes they were wearing left. All of their gifts, clothes, food, everything was now a smoldering mess. We stayed on scene until nearly 0300 hours, then returned to the station. I was very tired and filthy from working the fire scene, but stayed and helped fill air tanks for another hour or so. By the time I got back to mom and dad's and showered, I hit the bed, an exhausted trooper.
After Christmas was over, I finally had a chance to go see Tonya and her family. I knew back in basic training that I shouldn't expect her to wait on me, she had another couple years to go in school and lots of changes would take place in that time. I drove out to her house with the intention of just letting her go as easy as possible. I worried too that her family would be upset that I was letting her go, but hoped they'd understand my reasoning. As I went to the door, her little brother Kevin ran out to me. Kevin was in grade school and thought the world of me, I was a big brother to him. He hugged me and almost knocked me down, in the short time I was gone, he had grown some. Brenda was home, too and was glad to see me, but I could tell that she knew what was going to happen, that mother instinct. She hugged me and told me that she'd let Tonya and me talk and that I was still another son to her. I sat down next to Tonya on the couch and hugged her. She was not over excited that I was there, cluing me in to the fact that the relationship was at its end mutually. We made small talk for a while, I told her about how things had been, how life had changed and that I had no idea what was to be in store for me later. Then I manned up and told her, "Look, I don't know where I will be going after AIT, or if I'll even be coming back for a long time. It's not fair that I ask you to watch the best years you have go by while sitting and waiting on me." She sat there for a minute and nodded in agreement. It was like a weight had been lifted off both of us. We talked some more about just general things, and after about an hour or so, I decided to leave. I gave Brenda a hug goodbye and told her I would be in contact soon. I gave Tonya a hug and a kiss and told her goodbye as well. As I was leaving, Kevin ran out and asked if I was coming back. I told him, "Not for a while, buddy," and hugged him. He started to cry, and I promised him I'd keep writing to him and everyone. That seemed to work okay for him, and I left. As I got in the car, I looked around and had the same feeling I had when I left Owingsville, would I see anyone from here again? I felt a sense of guilt because of Kevin, but knew he would understand in due time. After I returned to duty, I wrote Kevin a few more times, until he got older. When I returned from active duty, I saw Kevin from time to time back home. Sadly, Kevin passed away around 2004, I always remembered him as that little teary eyed kid standing in his doorway that December night. Tonya moved forward and got married soon after high school, her and her husband are still together today. I see them from time to time still around town, there has not been any bad blood what so ever.
After I left Tonya's house, I drove around town, reflecting on things. The normal surroundings of home were starting to set in on me. What if I hadn't left, where would I be? What if I decided not to ever come back to this town again? Then I kept hearing my own voice talking about how it was the best move for me. I knew I had made the right choices, I said to myself. A couple nights later, I was in town at the usual hang outs, still enjoying the stress free life. I drove down to Paula's apartment to see what was going on. As always, there was a group of people there hanging out, and by now, I had become a usual face in the crowd. We sat around and had a good time talking, I vowed not to fall asleep again like before while I was there, I had overheard a plot to cover me in silly string and shaving cream if I did. I had a few beers with them all and was chit chatting, when Paula said that Vickie was looking for a good man. I was kind of oblivious and passed it off. She said that Vickie needed a good man with a good job and a good head on his shoulders, all the while looking directly at me. This made me feel both flattered and awkward. I hadn't thought about Vickie as anything other than a friend, so this idea was totally left field for me. I kindly told Paula that I had just ended a relationship because my future was so uncertain, so why would I try and start something. A good cop out for an uneasy line of questioning.
I hung out there for a while longer, and as I was leaving, Vickie met me in the room and gave me a kiss. It was again awkward, just knowing that Paula had tried to play cupid just a short time ago. I left and went home, another day and night behind me. The days were winding down at home, soon the craziness called the Army would be upon me, and I would have to transition from being civilian to soldier again. But how would that transition be now that I had been back to my old self kind of? I was wondering all sorts of crazy things as the days went by, but at least I had my family and friends to take my mind off it all.
My routine was fairly the same during my time home, spend time with the family, then at night roam town and usually end up at the apartments. One night, I went to the apartment and there was someone I knew from school, and my eyes lit up. Shanna was a girl who I had a lot in common with. We had classes together and there was always a mutual attraction between us, but either I was dating someone or she was. We kinda met in the hallway and I said,"Where's my hello kiss?". It kind of took her by surprise, but we kissed anyway. It was a rather bold move, one I hadn't planned on, but it worked. As the night went on, Shanna and I stayed together, eventually sharing some alone time. The attraction we had for each other was even more strong than before, and we both admitted that we really wanted to be with each other, but never had a chance back in school. Now we had no other ties to keep us from being together, other than the fact I was leaving to go back to the Army. I had my Bob Seger tape with me that night and while we sat alone and talked, I put the tape in and cued up the song 'We Got Tonight', I saw it fitting for the moment. We all went into town and hung out at the local Red Head gas station parking lot even thought it was freezing cold out. Shanna and I were inseparable together and I eventually asked the unspeakable, if she would wait for me. She smiled at me gave me a kiss and said softly, "No." I had just ended a relationship due to me feeling it wasn't fair to have someone wait on me, now I was asking someone to do exactly that. In any other setting I would have been upset that she said no, but I realized just what I had asked and knew she was being honest, so I took it as a living for the moment kind of situation. Later that night, I went to leave the apartment for home and realized this would probably be one of the last times I could stop by before I left. I went from person to person saying my farewells, and when I got to Vickie, she turned and went to another room, obviously upset about Shanna and me. Shanna walked me out to the car and I gave her my address at Fort Sam Houston. I told her to always remember me by that Bob Seger song, gave her a kiss and left. I had a heavy heart as I left that night, one of those feelings that for once, the planets had aligned and things looked great, but now reality was setting in and it was just for the moment. A moment caught in a mirror of time.
As the next few days went by, I visited family and friends again. My grandmother, Gertie, had been in a nursing home since before I left and I went to see her. Her mind was slipping from the effects of Parkinson's and Alzheimer's, but she still acknowledged people after someone told her who we all were, all except me. She confused me with my uncle Gene, who lived in California and had served in the Navy back in the 1950's. I hated to see her in this condition and the whole nursing home experience was always depressing for me. All those patients there who were so lonely, people who I felt were forgotten. Mom made sure that granny never was lonely, no matter if she knew mom was there or not. My time at home was drawing to a close, my home sweet home was soon to be a place far, far away again. I visited Jason again, went to see Jeff and my cousins Jason and Matt Vice. It was an eventful visit home to say the least. In the two weeks I was home, I tried to cram as much as I could into the days and nights. Looking back, I think I probably did less with my mom and dad than I should have. After all, no one would know if I would be coming back or when, not even me. I did spend New Year's Eve at home, watching the new year come in with mom like I always had before. We watched the ball drop at Times Square on TV, then turned in for the night. I would be leaving out on January 3rd, just two days later. My lost bag finally had showed up at mom's just a couple days before, good thing I was able to get it just to send it back on its way, hopefully this time, it wouldn't be lost when I got to Fort Sam.
Finally, the day approached that I would have to leave. It was a bitter cold January day in 1993, a mist of snow came down as we drove to the Lexington Airport. Leaving wasn't near as bad this time, but still hard to do considering the two weeks I had just spent. As we went through the security gate, mom and dad were allowed to join me at the departure gate. I was in my Class A uniform with my bags stuffed full. At least this departure I wouldn't be alone like I was before. As the time for my flight to board approached, dad started pacing, looking out the windows. The boarding call came and I hugged everyone and said my goodbyes. I walked down that long hallway to the plane and looked back again one final time to wave goodbye. It was time to leave my home sweet Kentucky home behind for a while and become a soldier again. I felt I was leaving so much behind me, but also felt that I had so much ahead to look forward to. I got settled into my seat and the plane taxied toward the runway. I kept looking out the window at the gate area until I lost sight of it. I sat back in my seat and took a deep breath as the plane accelerated and lifted off. Plane travel still made me nervous, but I was getting used to it by now. I watched out the window as the plane banked and remembered I had my camera with me. I snapped some pictures of Lexington from the air as it quickly faded away under me. I settled in for the flight to Atlanta, then on to Dallas, Texas with my walkman radio in my ear. I sorted through my tapes, saw the Bob Seger tape and smiled. I didn't want to listen to that song right then for fear I would feel lonely and tear up. I settled on a KISS tape and drifted off, leaving Owingsville, my family, friends and all I knew behind me once again.
