I had been in the Army four months now, had seen and done so much, was now a squad leader in charge of fifteen other soldiers, was becoming a true soldier. One evening after bed check, the realm of it all caught up to me. I woke up, my mind racing of all the thoughts of what I had done, could I continue to go at this pace, could I live up to what I was trying to accomplish? A thousand thoughts whizzed past my brain as I tried to sleep. I looked around and reached for my Walkman radio, tuning into the local rock station to try and calm me. I lay there listening to the music playing softly in my ear and drifted off to sleep. The next morning, I woke up at the usual time, 0430, to find my Walkman was missing. I asked around, no one seemed to know anything about it. I was thinking someone had stolen it, when Private Davis approached me and said he took it. At first I was surprised someone who had taken something from me would own up to the fact, but this was not the case. He was doing fire guard duty, saw the Walkman, and took it, which was part of his duty, as we weren't supposed to be listening to them after hours. He hadn't turned it in, and gave it back to me after PT. Great, I was a prime example to all the soldiers under my watch.
The EMT class had wrapped up, and now we were approaching time to take the National Registry Test, a 150-question exam that would determine if we would become EMT's, but not Combat Medics. The week before, we crammed all the information we could in class to prepare for the test, which would be in two phases, a written exam and a practical one. I aced the practicals, but the information for the written exam began to blur. So much information in such little time was taking a toll on my brain. We were to study each night, again in addition to all the other things going on. Weekends now were the time to get away and as soon as that end of duty formation on Friday was over, I bee-lined upstairs and changed to just get away. The first overnight weekend pass would be kind of weird to me, we were all used to being cooped up in barracks under a controlled environment, how would I act on the outside? Kim and I decided we would spend the weekend together, but I was to report back at 0200 on Saturday for fire guard. We found a hotel on the west side of San Antonio, away from the mid-town hustle. There was a mall nearby and that was about it on that side of town. We arrived at the hotel, I was very nervous, this was to be the first time I had ever spent any extended alone time with any girl, let alone overnight. We passed the day off by going to the mall and taking in the time together. Kim and I got along well, we had a lot in common and looked past the fact that we were in a temporary duty station far away from home, a recipe for disaster, but we didn't care. As we were walking by a building near the mall, I was surprised to see a familiar phone number on a sign for a building contractor, it was mom and dad's number, only with a different area code, a strange reminder of just how small the world really is.
We decided not to spend all day out and about due to the fact I had to be back at the company so early. We retired early to the hotel, this was new territory for me. It was just the two of us, two young people who had the same feelings for each other and the same desires. We drifted off to sleep after watching the movie Encino Man, and I woke up at 0115 to get ready for fire guard duty. I called a cab and left Kim sleeping, heading for Ft Sam. I arrived about fifteen minutes prior to my watch, signed in at the CQ desk and changed into uniform. Saturday was an off day and most everyone was gone from the barracks, with the exception of maybe three or four people. My watch would be from 0200 until 0400 and would consist of absolutely nothing but hearing the faint snores of the few left in the squad bays. I sat down at the guard desk and started writing. I hadn't kept a journal like I had in basic training, but I had been writing poems and jotting random things down. I wrote a couple things in basic training, some fragmented parts of an idea, and decided to see if I could piece them together. After about a half hour of writing then scratching words out, I left it unfinished, an idea I called The Grand Illusion, to which this date, has never been completed. The Staff Duty Sergeant came upstairs around 0300 hours and we conducted a walk through and head count from his roster of those who hadn't signed out for the weekend. He noticed my name on the list of those who had signed out and commended me for remembering I had duty that morning. My fire guard watch was over before I knew it, I called another cab and headed to the hotel. I wasn't sure what the day would bring, I just knew that I wanted to sleep in some more before anything.
I arrived back at the hotel and Kim was still sleeping, I'm not sure she even knew I had even left. We woke up around 0900 and decided to see what was around the area. Sea World was a local attraction, but was closed for the winter. The only other option was to head into town and see San Antonio in daylight. We took a city bus across town to the Riverwalk area and decided to just point in a direction and go. We walked around the city, I took my camera out and started taking pictures of the scenery. After a few minutes, we went into the mall and roamed around. My taste of shops were different than Kim's, she went into clothing stores and I wanted to go to the music stores. Eventually after about an hour, we ventured outside and down the street toward the Alamo. Me being the history nerd I am wanted to go see the famed monument of Texas' freedom. At first glance, when you see the Alamo, you think it's just a big white building and not that impressive. I quickly changed my mind when I entered the sacred building and saw the way it had been restored. The main room was large and decorated with flags from each state that the Alamo Defenders hailed from. There were markers on the floor depicting where certain men fell, the room where Sam Bowie met his fate was restored. There was a short lecture from a guide who explained that the building was only a part of the original fortification, that it spanned many acres and was heavily defended. Then I noticed the guide shoot me a peculiar look of discontent. I hadn't planned or even noticed what I was wearing, which was an Ozzy Osbourne concert shirt. Ozzy had been arrested and summarily banned from San Antonio back in 1982 when he was caught urinating on the wall of the Alamo. Apparently, the tour guide thought my shirt was a mockery of what the Alamo stood for in Texas...My first view of Texan pride.
Kim and I walked out the back garden part of the Alamo, it was a very calm and serene place. It was something almost out of a movie, I even said something about it "being a good place for a wedding." We both smiled and moved on about our tour. The whole day was just a lazy one, we never got bored with each other. We retired back to the hotel after several hours and relaxed the rest of the evening. We had to be back at the company area Sunday by 1600 hours, or 4pm, back to the mayhem. Early Sunday afternoon we took the bus back to Ft Sam, back to the Army way of things. Our focus now would have to be the upcoming EMT exams to start the following day. We signed in, had our accountability formation and retired to our respective barracks. There was some down time between this time and chow, so we all tried to study the best we could. The next day would be our practical exam, or skills testing. I had all that pretty down pat, it was just the rest I was worried about. Staff Sergeant LeValley called all the squad leaders to his room soon after chow and told us that an inspection was going to be sometime this week and we needed to be squared away because the senior drill sergeant was going to be the one to conduct it. This would mean that there was no way anyone could clean or square things away good enough for him.
Monday started off the same, 0430, PT and all the usual, then at 0800, the testing began. We would have to go to different skills stations and demonstrate the proper techniques of treating injuries. The process took all day to get the company through it, we all were nervous about the ordeal. In the down time between stations, we took more time to study for the written exam, which would be in a couple more days. I passed all my skills tests without problem and felt rather confident about becoming an EMT, in spite of all the unrelated stresses and micromanagement I had endured during the process. The whole day was pretty much hurry up and wait, the drill sergeants really didn't bother us much on our downtime, but they patrolled constantly making sure we were behaving. After the skills testing had been completed by each class, we reported back to the class room area, then to the barracks. For the most part, the day had been easy. We were relieved to have at least part of the testing over with, now came the study crunch.
We arrived upstairs to an absolute mess. During the day, Senior Drill Sergeant Myers had conducted his inspection. Our squad bays were a disaster; the mattresses had all been turned upside down, things in lockers had been strewn all over the place, much like the scene I had encountered at basic training. Soon after this, SSG LeValley ordered us out to the company area where we were met by our drill sergeants and Senior Drill Sergeant Myers. After some of his usual ranting and raving, the senior drill sergeant dropped us all for push-ups, then told us we had to get the barracks in "ship shape" before our written tests, that inspections would occur the next two days. We were released back upstairs to mitigate the damage and regroup. All the stress of testing, and now this...nothing could be easy around there. We finished up just prior to bed check, and again, made plans to get back up and study after the drill sergeant did his walk through. After the coast was clear, we one by one got back up and took out books. Probably twenty minutes after we began studying, we heard the fire guard call out, "At ease!!", meaning the drill sergeant was back on the floor. The sergeant was yelling for everyone to get by their bunks, he breezed past the fire guard and into the first squad bay where the guys were all still up and studying. Quickly they jumped up into a position of attention, but it was too late, we had been busted. We were all ordered out into the hall way of the barracks and stood at attention while the drill sergeant paced around us. Staff Sergeant LeValley was amongst us, standing stoic as we were preparing to get smoked, which began very shortly after. We were smoked harder than we had been until that point, and it lasted for almost an hour. So much for study time.
The next day was to be a review day for the written test, but first, after breakfast, we had to endure another inspection. Senior Drill Sergeant Myers walked through the barracks with SSG LeValley and Van Zant while we prepared for class time. Lord knows what we would come back to after the way things went overnight for us. We went into class without knowing what the inspection results were, but we could only guess.
After the day was over we returned to the barracks to a scene much like the day before, all our stuff tossed everywhere. Staff Sergeant LeValley also informed us that the floors had to be be stripped and rewaxed before morning, and the showers and latrines had to be 'immaculate'. This was the evening before our EMT written exam, one that we were told was one of the hardest tests to take. We grumbled about the tasks and split into groups to accomplish it all. The longest and most tedious part would be the stripping/waxing of the floors back to a high gloss shine. We couldn't be in the areas being waxed, so those of us not actively involved in the process would be cleaning other areas. We had decided that we would clean the barracks from top to bottom, front and back and leave no area untouched, a task that would surely go into the wee hours. At bed check, we were about half done, the plan was to finish after the drill sergeant left, regardless of the consequences. Luckily it was Drill Sergeant Tharpe who walked through and he told SSG LeValley that he wouldn't be back up as long as he wasn't needed. This left us open to our own devices to get the job done, only we couldn't have the bay lights on. We finally got everything done around 0130 hours, wake up was in three hours.
Test day arrived much too early, we were all sluggish getting motivated, which quickly prompted a smoking from Drill Sergeant Walls. My eyes felt as though they were on fire as I struggled to keep them open. After the PT session and during the first formation before breakfast, we were informed that our inspection would take place before class time, then prior to our exam, we would be notified how we did. The test would begin after lunch, which meant in addition to being sleepy, we would have a full belly and be in a warm class room for the long exam...not a good combination. After breakfast we went to our respective class rooms and began the pre-registering process for the test. We had a little time to study, but if we didn't have it by now, we wouldn't pass the test for sure. I had a hard time trying to stay alert during this down time, the sergeant would pace around and tap us with a pointer stick if we started to nod off. After the registration process, we started learning about more combat medical procedures and how to incorporate what we learned in basic training with the new knowledge in order to stay alive if ever in a combat situation.
After lunch, it was test time. We marched over to some old World War 2 era buildings that were not air conditioned. The exam would take approximately 2-3 hours and the hot San Antonio sun mixed with the fatigue from the night before would be a challenge. We began the test after a few minutes, and the sergeant in charge sat up front reading as we took it. I got about halfway through the test and started seeing double. My eyes felt like they were on fire as I tried to read the questions. My mind was scrambled with the multiple choice answers in front of me; on several questions, the answers were almost identical except for one word or phrase. I guess at one point I dosed off because I felt a tap on my shoulder and looked up to see the sergeant peering over my back. It was a sure bet that I would have to do push-ups, but he didn't have me do them-at that moment. That instant zapped me back into reality and I stayed focused for the remainder of the test. It was a difficult test partly due to the answers, and also because we were so rushed into the course. Outside influences also factored in, my mind wasn't totally focused like it should have been. Finally, it was over, I finished the 150 question monstrosity in about two hours, 30 minutes. After we were finished, we had to exit the room and report to another holding area until we were all done. That's when I was greeted first thing by another sergeant who quickly dropped me for push-ups. Apparently my short nap story was relayed to him. Everyone finally finished, no one was entirely confident about the results, which we wouldn't receive for another couple weeks. After we marched back to the company area, we were released to our platoon sergeants, who advised us we were on barracks duty until supper. After supper, we were told by Drill Sergeants Tharpe and Walls that due to the high level of stress we had endured that day, they were going to release us early. Some of the guys and gals went into town, Kim and I stayed around post and went to the Hacienda. I ran into JB and Bull, so we went to the music room and jammed all the stress away. Several others joined us as spectators as we jammed, we had the Jimi Hendrix songs 'Fire' and 'Purple Haze' down good. I started the song 'NIB' from Black Sabbath and we free lanced it, not entirely doing the song justice. After a while, we all went down into the food area and game rooms. Bull saw a flyer for the local talent contest and told JB and me about it. It was held every Thursday night and we could win a free large pizza and drinks, not exactly a recording contract but still.... We decided that the next Thursday we would enter the contest and hope for the best. We had some solid songs and had a good shot. Kim and I walked back well before curfew, just taking in the warm evening. We had grown very close to each other and seemed like we could go far in our lives. We sat out in the company area talking about everything until the duty sergeants came and told us all it was time to turn in for the night. I wondered why these moments had to end every night, moments of comfort I kept close to me.
The next morning at PT, we noticed a bit of a difference. Staff Sergeant LeValley was not heading the formation as usual, SSG Van Zant had taken his place. As a matter of fact, SSG LeValley was not even in the formation, an oddity for him. Soldiers like SSG LeValley who had prior Army duty were allowed different liberties than those of entry level soldiers. They could go off post every night, could stay later than usual and could drink alcohol. They had been able to do this from day one, when the rest of us had to endure the four week lock down. We ran our normal morning routine, then after breakfast, my platoon was held over from the rest of the company. Drill Sergeant Walls and SSG Van Zant stood out in front of the platoon with no sign of SSG LeValley. No one really knew what was going on until Drill Sergeant Walls began talking. He told us that even though some of us had more freedoms, we were still soldiers in the United States Army and should be held at high standards anywhere we went. After that, he turned the platoon over to SSG Van Zant.
"Fourth Platoon, your crutch is gone," he began. I was oblivious to what he was saying, but kept standing at ease as he spoke.
"Last night, there was an incident where a soldier was arrested for being drunk and disorderly in public downtown. That soldier is still in jail and will face disciplinary actions according to the UCMJ," SSG Van Zant continued. The UMCJ stood for the Uniform Code of Military Justice which decided discipline based on severity of the offense, and apparently this offense was very serious. It seems SSG Levalley was at the local Hooters in San Antonio with some other soldiers from post and got very intoxicated and belligerent. He apparently grabbed one of the Hooters Girls and tried to make her sit on his lap, and when approached by the manager, SSG LeValley got irate and began pushing him. The police were called and SSG LeValley resisted arrest while they were trying to put him in the car. He was booked in for disorderly conduct, public intoxication and resisting arrest. Staff Sergeant Van Zant was now our platoon leader and did not have the easy going demeanor of SSG LeValley. The next month and so many days would be interesting for sure.
Now that the EMT course was over, we did more clinical and battlefield medical procedure classes. This was not as crammed and stressful as the EMT course but was still a lot of information to comprehend all of a sudden. We were learning basic nursing skills for use if we were stationed in a hospital setting, suddenly I realized that the B in 91-B also could mean 91-Bedpan cleaner, not exactly the dashing combat medic who braved the bullets and saved his fellow soldiers. For me, the stress level had eased some in class, but the platoon duties were still getting to me. It had become redundant to the point of being ridiculous, all the endless barracks inspections and constant cleaning sessions. Being a squad leader was an honor for me, but not the most desirable position to be in. If a soldier in my squad screwed up, it was on me. If the squad bay was not up to par, it was on me. Staff Sergeant Van Zant was beginning to be on all the squad leaders cases. Then one evening, it came to a head. My squad was cleaning the showers and hallway. My philosophy has always been that I should be expected to jump in and do the work that I would ask others to do. It had never been an issue until this time. I was busy in the shower room shining a shower head when SSG Van Zant came in and ordered me to put down the rag.
"Soldier, just what in the Hell are you doing?" He barked out.
"Shining this shower head, sergeant," was my reply. He walked over and grabbed the rag out of my hand forcibly and started yelling at me.
"Private, you are a leader, you do not do their work for them. If you have people who won't do the work, you need to address it," SSG Van Zant yelled out. I tried to start an explanation of why, but he cut me off, pissing me off. He continued to berate me, going as far as saying that I should maybe not be a squad leader. This set me off.
"Sergeant Van Zant, with all due respect, I feel I should show my squad that I lead by example," He cut me off again and ordered me to his room. I followed him, still fuming. Once we got into his office, the tirade began again. He stood about an inch from my face, ordering me to attention, of which I complied. He started telling me I had told him the wrong answer when asked a question and I would respect him. This went on for a few minutes and then he backed a half step away from me. By this time I had enough of what he was doing. I fired back at him, almost possessed it seemed.
"Staff Sergeant, I do not appreciate what you have done to me and I do not respect you for it," I began, the words just flowing out of my mouth in a way I would have never done before. I continued as he stood there, his eyes bulging out and the veins starting to show in his temples.
"What I do is show the guys I am not above them, I am a soldier just like they are and will do what they do. And furthermore, if you don't like it then you can take this squad leader position and stick it." SSG Van Zant snapped back and told me he could arrange that and that I had best watch my tone and attitude. I promptly snapped back and told him what he could go and do with himself, which escalated the matter even more. It had turned into a back and forth shouting match, no longer one sided. I had simply had enough of being told I wasn't good enough by him and that I shouldn't help my squad do what I tell them to do. One of the last things said was SSG Van Zant telling me that I could be reduced in rank because of insubordination, which I replied something along the lines of "go ahead, I ain't got shit for rank, so take away buddy." Apparently, the shouting was loud enough to prompt Drill Sergeant Tharpe to intervene. He whipped the door open and yelled out a stern "At ease!!!" I was ordered out of the sergeant's room and into the drill sergeant's office to wait. It was then that I realized that I had probably made a grave mistake as a private in the United States Army. I had went face to face with a senior non-commissioned officer with fourteen years of experience and a combat tour of duty under his belt and who was now my direct supervisor in my chain of command. Well, it had been a good stint in the Army the last few months.
Drill Sergeant Tharpe came into his office, I stood in attention and could feel my face flushing all the color away. He shut the door and told me to have a seat. He sat behind his desk a minute and started chuckling and shaking his head. I was beyond nervous now. He started the conversation by asking if I knew what I had just done, of which I acknowledged. I wasn't apologetic about it, I stood by what my core principle was that started the incident. Drill Sergeant Tharpe continued to tell me the possible consequences of my actions and then said "just wait until old Senior Drill Sergeant Myers gets wind of this." Boy was I in for it now. I sat there stoic as I should have, then the drill sergeant asked what I had to say.
"Drill Sergeant, it blew way out of proportion, but I don't like being talked down for doing what I think is right." I had never really been one to be outspoken, let alone to fire back at someone in authority like I did.I remembered that one time I had back talked my dad one day and he slapped the Hell out of me for it. I never did it again after that. This was potentially a bit more than a slap in the mouth however. I continued to plead my case of being one to lead by example by doing the same tasks I would expect my soldiers would. Drill Sergeant Tharpe then told me that I was a supervisor, and that I needed to tell the soldiers what to do, then supervise them to make sure they did it right the first time. I understood the concept, but still I had my beliefs of what should be done. The talk continued and Drill Sergeant Tharpe laughed and told me to relax.
"Kiss, do you realize just how mad you just made Staff Sergeant Van Zant? Man, you have some balls." He laughed again and told me to go back to the squad bay and he would handle SSG Van Zant. I walked out of the office, still petrified I was in deep trouble. When I got back to the squad bay, PFC Miller walked up and shook my hand, telling me way to go. A few others patted me on the back and gave me kudos, but I knew that it was short lived, I would probably get an Article 15 at least out of this ordeal.
That night, I stayed around the company area, Kim came out to me and I told her what had happened, she said she supported me and what I did to an extent, but she also guessed I would be in hot water. I returned back upstairs early that evening, my head racing with thoughts. SSG Van Zant avoided me, but there was noticeable tension. I didn't sleep well that night and 0430 came way too early. After PT, Drill Sergeant Walls called me out after formation and I just knew I was in trouble. He told me I was to report to the staff duty office, I was to be on CQ duty that day. Great, I was now a target for any crappy detail or duty out there. The entire day, I worked in the staff duty office, answering phones and directing them to different areas, running paperwork back and forth to the command staff and first sergeant's office. Overall the daily duty wasn't that bad, the most stressful part was dealing with the command staff and senior drill sergeant. I was, however, commended for my appearance and military courtesy. Senior Drill Sergeant Myers must not have been informed of my bout with SSG Van Zant yet. My duty ended at 2000 hours, which left no time to go and enjoy the evening with Kim or at the Hacienda. I returned upstairs while everyone was cleaning the barracks, I left my squad in charge of PFC Miller while I was on CQ duty, things seemed to be going smoothly. Still the shadow of the previous evening's events loomed over me, all the while, SSG Van Zant had no contact with me other than the daily squad leader reports he asked for.
The weekend came and went and the next week arrived too early again. Thursday night was the talent show at the Hacienda, so Bull and I told everyone we could about it in hopes of getting a decent showing of support. We all agreed that we would be at the Hacienda and ready to go at 1830 hours, just as soon as we cleared supper and changed. I arrived, then JB, but Bull was not there yet. We went over what we would do, our strongest song we played was 'Purple Haze'. JB went up and told the person in charge we were entering the contest, but didn't put a band name on the sheet of paper, matter of fact, we didn't have one. The event started at 1900 hours, we were third on the list, and Bull hadn't showed up. This was not going to go well, I just knew it. The first person got up with an acoustic guitar and played a Garth Brooks song to some mediocre applause, his voice wasn't really that strong. The next person was a girl who did some type of rap act with background music provided by a CD. She received a big round of applause. Then it was our tun, and Bull hadn't showed up. I was starting to panic, JB was not happy. I went to the person announcing the bands and told him we were waiting, he went onto the next act, a guy with a guitar who wanted to do Dylan's 'Knocking on Heaven's Door'. I had talked to him earlier and as I was heading back to wait on Bull, the guy asked me to join him on bass. I obliged, and the guy's timing while singing was just awful, he couldn't do both. Finally, the song was over and I saw Bull racing in with a guitar, a breath of relief. When the announcer introduced us, he gave me a look and asked the name of the band. The first thing I could think of was the Wiley Neckbones, a name that one of the drill sergeants had called us from time to time, and it stuck. We got up, tuned up and got ready to play, Bull looked at JB and me and apologized, then started the intro to 'Purple Haze'. JB and I followed suit and the song began, except when Bull started singing, he sang the lyrics to the TV show 'Green Acres' instead of 'Purple Haze'. It was an absolute riot the way it fit and we had a ball playing the song, we were tight and right on it musically. When we finished the song, we got a great round of applause, this was my very first public performance on a stage in front of an audience. After several minutes, the announcer came back and announced that the winner was the rapper girl, a decision I couldn't believe, but it was what it was. Bull told JB and me that the reason he was late is because he was held over by his drill sergeant, apparently his class studies were lacking and he was on the chopping block for a recycle or dismissal.
Kim and I left soon after the show and went outside. We were sitting on some bleachers at the baseball field and noticed a couple kissing close by. She got really quiet and put her head on my shoulder. I asked what was wrong and she told me the girl we were seeing was married and had been bragging about how she had a man at home and could get any man at Fort Sam that she wanted. It was a weird moment for me, until that point, I had never really thought about people and affairs, but this scene obviously disturbed Kim for some reason. She stayed really quiet all the way back to the barracks and we parted ways. I went back upstairs and did some odd chores and grabbed my notebook. I had been working on The Grand Illusion with no real resolve and I brainstormed trying to figure out a direction with no luck. With the events of the past week or so I was becoming drained. I wrote a letter home and soon it was lights out time. As I closed my notebook, I read the last line of my unfinished poem which in hindsight was rather ominous, "Take me away, lead me into the grand illusion."
Another week gone by, another month left in training, and a new life still ahead. Where would I go and who would be there still with me?
